Oh, this is a private joke. Should I tell? (No.) (Yes.) It’s like bedroom joke stuff or something. Maybe not too polite or something. I forgot already anyway. I’ve just written here: “private.” So be warned. I read first and if I write “private,” that means something not very groovy. So if you want to hear it, I’ll read it to you.
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt has fallen asleep.” What does she know? What does she know, the fate of you guys? What does she know about long-sitting? She should join the Supreme Master Ching Hai Association and go on a retreat, just once, then she will know what long-sitting means. (Sure.) You tell her.
So the other woman said, “I know. I heard it snoring.” I didn’t know it was so bad, like that. I forgot. I forgot all about it. I told you it’s a private joke. Never mind, never mind. Let’s drive it somewhere else.
“You can always tell when a marriage is shaky. The partners don’t even talk to each other during television commercials.” (Oh.) Oh. That’s it? No laughter, nothing?
“Marriage is like a midnight phone call. You get a ring, and then you wake up.” My God. It’s so bad. It shouldn’t be so bad like that. You need translation there?
“It has been proven that married life is healthy.” Mind you, are you divorced? It’s healthy to keep a marriage! I’m kidding. You do what you want. Congratulations. (Well, I got another one.) Oh, you did? Oh, God. To make a mistake is human, but to repeat it!? Well, congratulations again. To be married is healthy, but maybe to be single is healthier. So, it has been proven that married life is healthy. Is it better this time? (Yes.) Yes, or…? (Yes.) Yes? Good, good. (Sounds like...) Sounds like, “y-y-yes”! Yes. Oh, yes! (Oh, yes!) She’s around anyway, so. I’m kidding. Or, even if she’s not around here, she will be watching this DVD. (Yes.) OK. Let’s get back to the joke. We are just way out of theme.
“It has been proven that married life is healthy. Statistics show that single people die sooner than married folks.” How come? So, if you are looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.” My God. We were expecting some good advice. Come on. Whoever that is, must be lousy. (Maybe they said it backward, Master.) Backward? (If you marry, you die soon, but if you’re single, you live a long life.) You know what I mean. Right? (Yes.) This is the wife of the “cow(-person) face.” They both need translation. Go ahead. Is it better now? (Yes.) By the way, before I forget. This is for your husband. He needs green grass. That guy, he looked very nice and was good-looking. I call him (the husband translated as), “Your face looks like a ‘cow(-person’s).’” Bad translation. That’s the stuff wars are made of. What? Why? (Pardon me, sister.) (The sister has one leg.) Why are you leaning on her leg? (There’s the sister, she laughed about that sister.) Is she your chair or something? You can laugh straight. You don’t have to laugh on somebody else.
A news photographer, a reporter, and an editor are walking down the beach. They see a bottle in the sand. The reporter grabs it, rubs it, and a Genie pops out. So grateful is the Genie, he grants them each one wish.
So the photographer says, “I want to be on a mountain top with the wisest of the wise, soaking up wisdom.” And puff, he’s gone to the mountain with the wisest of the wise.
And then the reporter says, “I want to be on a tropical paradise, being served (non-alcoholic) piña coladas and (vegan) bonbons all day long by beautiful women.” And poof, he’s gone to Hawaii beach. A lot of (vegan) bonbons, (non-alcoholic) piña colada, and beautiful women.
And the editor says, “I want those two back here right now. We have the six o’clock news to catch.” Oh man, habits die hard.
A married couple, who was trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle, went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart, like, “Oh, absolutely brilliant, lovely, oh, a fine fellow, a genius of music, Mozart!” The woman, wanting to join the snobbish society and the general conversation remarked casually, “Oh, Mozart, you are so right, I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on bus number 5, going to Long Island.” Oh, there was a sudden silence. Everybody looked at her and looked at each other and looked at her. And the husband was so embarrassed. He dragged his wife out into the parking lot and said to her, “We are leaving right now. Get your coat and come along!” So he dragged her out to the car, and on the way home, he was driving, and he still couldn’t recover. So he was murmuring, murmuring all the time. So finally, his wife turned to him and said, “You are angry about something?” So he said, “Really? You don’t know, really? My goodness, I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. What about you saw Mozart take bus number 5 to Long Island? Don’t you know anything?” The wife said, “What?” The husband said, “The number 5 bus doesn’t go to Long Island!” Big deal.
An absent-minded professor came home late one night. So when he reached the door, he realized he had forgotten his key. He knocked and knocked until finally his wife opened the door. It was very dark. She did not recognize him and explained, “I’m sorry, sir, but the professor is not at home.” So the professor, absent-minded as ever, replied to his wife, “Well, I will come back tomorrow then.”
Are there such people? How come they always say, like, absent-minded professor, this and that? Is that true? (Yes.) I haven’t seen one. Why is he so absent-minded? (They can’t really function in the normal world. They’re…) Too much in books. Is that what it is? (Yes.) (They know one thing only, and the rest, they don’t understand.) (Once my husband, I asked him if he was in the office, I asked him to buy napa cabbage – no, salt, a bottle of salt. When he came back, he bought a napa cabbage. And I asked him, “Why are you buying me a napa cabbage?” He said, “I forgot, and I thought and thought, I think, napa is the closest thing you asked me.” That’s why he bought a napa cabbage. Not the salt.) He’s a professor? (Yes.) (Well, he’s not that absent-minded.) No, not really. It’s just her. She doesn’t know. She just doesn’t know what she’s talking about. A cabbage is better than nothing.
(Well, I thought the cabbage was more important than salt itself for the body during dinner time. Right?) Yeah, it’s more filling. What kind of professor are you? (Civil engineering.) Oh, Civil engineering! Oh, that’s the worst kind. No? Or not? No, no. I’m just kidding. Cabbage is better than nothing. More important for dinner. Remember that. Take it or leave it. You take it, and he leaves it. He’ll leave it there, and you take it. (Or maybe next time, she won’t ask me to do it again.) Yes. (So that’s the way…) Ah! (Ah!) You try to make trouble, so next time she says, “Oh, forget it. If I ask him, he doesn’t… it’s not done anyway.” Wow. Woooo! Alright. Where were we? Oh, not here. I’m absent-minded too. I went all the way to the beginning.
Photo Caption: “Nothing Can Cover True Beauty!”
