A policeman caught a driver who drove so fast and exceeded the limit, and was writing down the ticket for him. So the driver said, “You don’t know who I am, that’s why. You don’t know. I am the chairman of the district, the representative here and we are having a meeting right now. And without me, the meeting cannot start. So please let me go quickly.” So the policeman said, “Yes, yes, I know, sir. That’s why I’m writing very fast.” He wanted to escape the ticket. “I’m writing very fast.”
A couple went to the airport to go on holiday. So they had everything and they brought the luggage for checking in and everything. And then suddenly the husband said, “Oh, my God, I remembered everything.” He talked to his wife, “I remembered absolutely everything, but I wish I could bring the dining table here as well.” So the wife said, “Why? But we go to the hotel and they would have a dining room table over there. What are you talking about?” And the husband said in a very, very low voice, “Because our tickets [are] on that table.”
A friend asked another friend, “How is the second-hand car that you bought last week? Is it OK?” So the second friend said, “Oh, terrible, terrible! You would have never heard so much noise like this in your life, so much noise from that car. Everything, everything in the car, makes noise, except the horn.”
A lady was having lunch with her husband and saying that she had been to the doctor. And said to her husband, “Oh, the doctor said well, my health is not very good, even though I don’t have any disease, but I need a change of climate. So I think I should go to California or Miami for a week or two. Or better, a month. What do you think, honey?” So the husband said, “Oh, no, no, no need [to] change, you don’t need [to] go to Miami for a change in climate. I heard that the typhoon is coming tomorrow.” Change the climate.
Two groups of people played football together, and of course, one group lost. So the referee comforted his team and said, “Well, why are you so upset? Even the great personage sometimes comes second, so no big deal.” And one of the teammates said, “How about George Washington? He never came second. He’s the number one intelligent person in America. He’s the first president of America. And he’s first in war and he’s best in peace. He’s always the first. And he’s the foremost in the heart of our American citizens. Is that not so?” The referee said, “Yes, yes, correct. But remember, he married a widow.” He came second. Second-hand.
There was a lady, a little middle-aged, old, a little bit old and small and weak, came to the post office and she bought some stamps for her envelope. And then she asked a man next to her, “Please, could you help me to write down the address on this envelope for me?” Because she cannot write. So the man was very happy to help the old lady, and he wrote everything down the way she wanted and where she wanted [it]. And afterward, she also asked him to write down a little note on the piece of paper, the letter, so that she can put it inside the envelope. And after he wrote everything, he asked her, “Is there anything else I can do for you now?” So the lady said, “Yes, if you don’t mind, please write down: P.S. Excuse the terrible handwriting.” OK, got it, huh? (Yes!) You got everything.
There was a person who just invented… In the old time, when we didn’t have telephones yet, we didn’t have radio or anything, there was a person who first invented a kind of communicating system, so he tried it out. So he gave the one end to the friend and the other end he kept in his car and then he drove about 100 miles away and then tried to communicate with that friend. But he tried harder and harder and the machine just kept… And he couldn’t hear anything. So he tried harder and harder and he fixed here and fixed there and he shouted in the receiver and so like that and sweating for about half an hour. Nothing happened. So the wife sat with him in the car and said, “If you are so desperate to talk to somebody, why don’t you turn around and talk to me?” You don’t understand. (I understand.)
One mother tried to feed her son, saying, “Wow, look here. This is very good for you. Carrots will make your lips pink and your cheeks rouge. It’s very beautiful. Please eat quickly. Finish it.” And after he finished the carrot, the mother said, “Eat more, they are still more vegetable inside your dish.” He said, “But I don’t think I want green cheeks.”
Two mothers talked to each other about how difficult it is to deal with children nowadays, especially when you don’t have a husband, and the husband left. So she said, “Well, fancy! You cannot imagine, the three of my boys they stick together and whenever one of them did anything wrong, they never tell on the other two, they just shut up and never say one word. They keep all silent and they just cover each other, so I never can find out who’s done anything wrong.” So the second mother laughed and said, “Well, this kind of problem I already solved a long time ago.” So the first one asked her, “But how? How did you do it?” She said, “Well, very easy. Whenever something is done wrong in the house, I put three of my sons all in one room, lock them in there and don’t give them any supper. And the next morning, I look for whoever has the black eyes and I punish that one.”
So, this one is for the diet person. If you think you are a little bit fertilized and you think you can read this. There are two people talking about dieting. And the first one said, “Well, you know what? I have the best diet system in the world.” Then the second woman, of course, is eager to know what it is. And she said, “Well, from this Sunday to next Sunday, you only can drink orange juice for lunch and dinner and breakfast. Nothing else. Anytime you’re hungry, you just drink a glass of orange juice.” So the first person asked, “Is it really effective?” So, the second person said, “Well, it is effective. At least it makes you hate orange juice.”
Two old friends, two old lady friends met each other. So the first one said, “I’m so happy that you have decided to stay together and not divorce.” So the second one said, “Yes, yes, yes. We have decided to stay together because of the children. You see, George doesn’t want them and I don’t want them either.” You understand? No. Most of the time when the couple gets divorced, and the judge will award the children to the husband or the wife. Maybe both, half-half or something like that. Most of the time, the judge will give the children to the one who has more money, more steady income, and more financial security. In that case, both of them maybe are financially secure, but both of them don’t want the children. So they have to stay together.
Two doctors [were] talking together. The young one, the inexperienced and young one, complained to the older one, saying, “Oh, I’m fed up. Every time we go somewhere, I have a party or something, somebody always takes me aside and asks me about his sickness and this and that and others and tells me to diagnose him right there.” So the old doctor says, “Oh, there’s no problem. Before, I used to have the same trouble too, but I solved it.” So the young doctor asked, “How?” The old doctor said, “Well, anytime somebody took me aside and asked for a diagnosis, I’d tell him, ‘Take off your clothes.’” And then immediately the trouble ends right there. I think enough. Oh, gosh.
There was a person who went to the countryside for checking the population and to know what the citizens of the country think about everything in the country. Checking their inner thoughts. The citizens’ thinking. So they came and asked one of the householders, saying, “Well, would you let us know what concerns you most at the present time?” So the man was very serious and said, “Well, the thing I’m concerned most about at the moment is that both of you stood on top of my door, which is newly painted.” Just painted.
Photo Caption: “When the Mysterious Door Opens: Wow, a Blissful Surprise!”
