There was a vampire bat(-person) –the bat(-person) who takes blood, I guess – came flapping from the night, and he was all covered in fresh blood, and he landed himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. And soon, all the other bat(-people) smelled the blood and came and were hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they would not leave him alone. So finally, he gave in. He said, “OK, follow me.” And he was so tired, but he tried to drag his wings and his body to a spot with the hundreds of bat(-people) following behind him. Through the valley they went, across a river into a forest full of trees.
And finally, the bat(-person), full of fresh blood on his body, stopped. And all other bat(-people) excitedly surrounded him. And then the blood-covered bat(-person) used his wings to show them, “You see those big trees over there? The big black trees, very tall, very big. You see them?” So all the bat(-people) were excited and said, “Yes, yes, yes, we see them, we see them.” So the blood-covered bat(-person) said, “Good, good. Because I didn’t.” Good joke, huh? (Yes.) Good joke! Thank you whoever found it. He did not see it. They wanted to know where the blood came from.
Well, I think I told you this joke already, but maybe I’ll tell you again, in case I just told it to attendants or some people on the bus or a taxi driver or something. Because sometimes if I told a joke, I remember, but maybe I told it to somebody else and not you guys.
A doctor said to the patient, “Mr. Smith, I have some good news and some bad news for you.” “Give me the bad news first.” The doctor said, “OK, the leg that we amputated from you is the wrong one.” The patient said, “My God, what can be good news?” So the doctor said, “Your other leg won’t need to be amputated. After all, we found out that it’s OK.” Oh, my God. Trust the doctor. My God. You wish he hadn’t told you, huh? It’s bad enough that he cut it off and he even told you the truth. My God, such honesty.
Is there anything here that we missed? I don’t know if I should tell you this joke. It says private here. You want to hear it? (Yes. Yes.) Yes, yes. Forbidden fruit.
A 75-year-old man has never been married. One day he met a girl about 18 years old where he worked, and then they both fell in love, at first sight. They got married and went to Hawaii for a honeymoon or honey week, whatever. When they got back, all the friends said to him, “So, hallo, how was it? Everything OK?” “Oh, it was beautiful, wonderful. I had the best time in my life.” “What did you do all this time then?” Say, “Oh, we sunbathed, and we surfed, and we made love almost every night.” So, his friends said, “Huh, man of your age, how would you be making love almost every night?” So, the man said, “Oh, yeah, we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday. We almost…! I told you, it’s private. Pretend you didn’t hear it. Tell it only to your boyfriend or something. If he’s 70, don’t tell him.
This is a very bad joke, but I don’t know if you want to hear it. No, I think not. It’s so violent. It’s also a private joke. It’s a bad one, violent, so don’t hear it.
Three friends died in a car crash. They all went to Heaven, into registration. So, Saint Peter asked them, “When you are in your casket, friends and family are crying because of your departure. What would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy said, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor in my time and a great family man.”
The second guy said, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and schoolteacher, who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.” And the second guy… I lost it somewhere. The third guy… OK. Never mind, I think I know it.
The third guy said, “I would really like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’” You didn’t hear that joke before? (No.) Oh, thank God, I told you. Because I thought I remember I told it to somebody already. Alright. Well, well, well, OK. There’s another good one but I don’t like it, because it’s about fishing. I don’t like it.
A guy had an operation, and the doctor left a sponge inside him. So the friend asked him, “You got any pain?” The friend said, “No, but boy, I always feel very thirsty.” Sponge. It sucked up.
The doctors always keep telling us that we have to go get a lot of fresh air. We must get a lot of fresh air, but they never told us where to find it. It means nowadays we don’t see anymore, fresh air.
“Doctor, will I be able to read with these new glasses?” “Yes, of course.” Patient: “Good, I never could read before.” Illiterate.
A friend talked to the other friend, “I have been seeing spots in front of my eyes for a long time.” The second friend asked, “Have you seen a doctor?” The first friend said, “No, just spots.”
It must be a “dumb blonde” joke again. They must be talking about me all the time. I don’t know why.
On the science test, everybody got the right answer except Johnny. So the teacher asked him after returning the papers, “Tell me, Johnny, how did you know that heat causes objects to expand and cold causes them to shrink?” Johnny said, “Because I’m no dope.” Meaning I’m not dumb, you know. Johnny said, “In the summer, when it’s hot, the days are longer. And in the winter, when it’s cold, they are shorter.” Oh, I see, I see. No, everybody had the wrong answer except Johnny. That’s why the teacher asked him, “How do you know that? How do you know in the heat, the things expand?” So, he said, “In summer, the days are longer. Winter, days are short, shrink.”
By the way, I just remembered another joke. There’s a new bride just came to the parents-in-law family. In Âu Lạc (Vietnam), the bride goes to live with the in-laws, with the husband’s family. Not all the time, but that was tradition. Now, I think not anymore. So, when she first came, the mother-in-law told her to boil some spinach. You know, spinach, right? And it was a big, huge basket of spinach. And after she boiled it, it became only like a small bowl. So she was so afraid that the mother-in-law will think she ate it. So, she was crying, crying. And then the mother-in-law came and said, “What’s the matter?” She said, “I did not eat it. I don’t know why it becomes so small like this. But I did not eat it. I did not eat it.” The mother-in-law said, “No, no, I know you didn’t. The spinach, they are like that. They shrink when you boil them, so don’t worry. They become less when you boil them.”
So, a few days later, she gave her some vegan ham to boil, three pieces of vegan ham. And then she was hungry, she ate one of them. And only two left. The mother-in-law came and said, “How come? I gave you three pieces, how come only two left?” She said, “They shrink after boiling.” They shrink in the hot water.
A woman went to the doctor, and then the doctor told her to take a hot bath before retiring. And she complained to her friend, “That’s not fair. It’s ridiculous. Because it will be years before I retire.” Yeah? (Yes, now I get it.) Tell me, what is it? Tell me how you get it. (Well...) Because I didn’t. (It’s going to be years before she’s old enough to retire, like 65 or something. She could retire.) (She thinks that’s when she [next] gets to take a bath.) Hmm? (Too young to retire.) Oh, I see, I see. (Yes.) (Retire for the night means she goes...) Yeah, I know. She took it like, OK, she has to wait for years before retiring. (Yes.) OK. I got it.
And there’s another similar joke. She said like, “My doctor told me to take a hot bath before I sleep. My God, I couldn’t sleep the whole night. It takes a long time to finish the hot water.”
Photo Caption: “Look at Such a…!... Who Designed It?”
